Using Teamwork To Ease a Child's Separation Issues

It is not unusual for a child to experience separation issues after an extended time with family or when faced with a new challenge. Getting back to school after summer vacation is often a time when separation issues arise.

We all experience separation issues but as adults we've figured out some strategies to assist us. Here are some ideas that have proven effective with children.

• Even when your child is having separation issues, it's best to separate from your child as far away from the classroom and school as possible, which means getting him or her on the bus. However, if you do end up driving your child to school after exhausting all your best efforts to have her take the school bus, enter the school with your child and connect with the nurse, school counselor, teacher or principal. If possible, call the school to alert the folks there that your child is having difficulty separating from you and that you will be driving her to school. If your child is complaining of physical symptoms and using them to try and avoid coming to school, the school nurse will check them out. Usually, the symptoms are not based in illness but connected to feelings. Once you have learned that your child is not ill, leave the child in the hands of one of the adults who has been designated to help your child get ready to enter the classroom ASAP. Schools are not put off by crying or even screaming children. Someone from the school will call or e-mail you with an update once your child has joined his or her class. This person will most likely discuss the need for a plan to use tomorrow morning re: the child's coming to school.

• When your child returns home from school via the bus or your pick-up (if that's the plan), recognize your child's working through his feelings and getting into a good place to enter the classroom. Provide some time during dinner for him to share some of the highlights of his day at school.

• Remind your child of her past successes with managing things that are hard.

• Express confidence in your child's ability to handle this challenge and let him know that you are feeling very good about the school, the bus driver and the people at school who supported him.

• Explain to your child that she will be riding the school bus tomorrow and make arrangements for the other parent, if possible, to put her on the bus. It's good to rotate this if you can.

• As a part of the plan, talk about who he would like to sit with on the bus. It could be a sibling or a neighbor who rides the same bus. If it's a neighbor, call the other child's parent to see if this would work out. Of course, your child could also make the arrangements for this.

• Your child may want to put something special in his pocket or back pack to share and/or to serve as a connection to home. You could even ask your child what would help him make the transition from home to school easier with the bottom line always being that he has to go and he has to take the bus. If there seems to be a problem on the bus, let the school know so that it can be looked into and addressed.

• Make arrangements with the school to have someone meet your child when they arrive. Let your child know who this person will be.

• When the time arrives to leave for school, be prepared to be firm even in the face of tears.

• Be kind to yourself. It's not easy to put an upset child on the bus or leave him or her at school. Once you have established a connection with people at school and have determined that all is well there for your child, it's easier to follow through with getting him on the bus or dropping him at the designated drop off point at school.

• Keep in touch with the school and ask them to do the same with you as needed. Parents are key to the success of the plan.

Separation issues can sometimes return after a week-end, a vacation, a child's being out of school due to illness, or an upsetting event. If separation issues do return, acknowledge that you and your child have done a great job handling tough stuff in the past and that you and s/he and the school will work together to get through this one.

With all that said, most kids who have a rough time separating are absolutely fine about five minutes after the parent leaves. However, if issues are still presenting themselves in spite of all the good work, be sure to give us a call and we'll help you figure out the next step.